Why do we always struggle to understand? I wonder so.
Why can’t we just rest in the fact that some things are not understandable? Like where the universe stops? Why do so many people starve? Why is there such a thing as war? Or why do my kid wants homemade lunch for the day trip tomorrow instead of a prefabricated salad in a hygienically box?
I use to think that if you have a lot of observations and riddles in life you cannot make fit together – find a few possible solutions and then pick one. Be content with that choice. Never admit you chosed the wrong one. Stick to it and be happy! But today I cannot make such a choice. For a long while I haven’t been able to comprehend a few things in my life. I have been lost in my self and a mind drowning in lots of “whys” and “wonderings”. I haven’t been able to pick one solution and be happy with it.
A few days ago I picked up the coin, tossed it furiously up in the air and it landed with the other side up. And there it was. The solution. It had been there all the time - I just had been blindfolded to see it. The other side of the coin.
For the first time in my life I have come to a point where I resign. I will never understand and that is nothing bad. I lie happily - well almost - on my air mattress on the ocean of non-understanding and not comprehending. The weather is perhaps no the best but it will get warmer. It is calm and the sea gives peace in my mind. And the rippling waves makes my muscles relax.
There are things I will never understand and I finally accept I can live my life without it. I think it is better than locking my mind in something that is wrong. And I feel content about it…well mostly anyhow.
It is like when reading a big nice book. The journey is enough – I do not need to know the end of the saga. I do not need to understand every word, every course of events or every character of that book. With an open mind and a good author I do not need to rush. Like when I for the first time read Steinbeck’s “Sweet Thursday”. I cried when I finished that book.
If one day I find the answer myself…
I will never admit it to myself. I will keep it to myself and presume I have locked my mind into wrong conclusion. And I will be happy with that.
If one day anyone tells me the answer …
I will perhaps even refuse to accept it. Who knows – I can be damn stubborn.
If one day anyone can tell me the answer…
I´d like to have a choice - to listen or not to listen. Or else I might come to a point where the almost same amount of work has to be done once again. And I will simply not manage it once again.
Nevertheless – I think I wish to get that choice one day. In time. After a year. Or When I´m old and gray haired mama. Or in next life. Who knows. But not now. That is for sure. I simply cannot recalculate all informations once again. I think...
Until then – the day that probably never will come - the day I’m not waiting for - I stick to my air mattress and the ripples of the ocean. And I will be happy.
When I came home from work something really non-comprehendible was happening in my kitchen. Big kid was cooking American pancakes for dinner. And there was three times as much than needed. So lunch for tomorrow’s day trip is ready.
Today 5 june I finally understood the true mening of what a Japanese koan is.
Picture on top: Kjell Engman´s Contradictory
1 comment:
The answer to the question in this post comes and goes. Sometimes it is OK. Sometimes not. The recent death of a young girl - as close as my own kids - ripped up the wounds. That process is very close to this one. Too close.
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